(upbeat music) (birds chirping) (laughter) (upbeat music) – This is truly unprecedented. – Josh, we’re making dinner. Turn off the boob tube, you
knucklehead! – Okay, Dad. (television static) – Hello, America. Do not adjust your television
sets. The Coalition for Transparency has taken over this broadcast. Too long, people have hidden
their truths. The world needs transparency
now more than ever. Two hours from now,
your world will change. Two hours from now, we will know
all. Two hours from now, we will reveal your search
histories. (suspenseful music) (laughter) – That’s ridiculous! – Yeah, right. Oh big whoop, okay. (television static) – Wow. Well, I guess I know I’m gonna
delete my search history once I get
home. – [News Anchor] Folks, our
producers will figure out what that was, in the meantime let’s go back
to– – Honey, do you know
where I put my grey suit? I just remembered I need it for
tomorrow. – I think it’s– – The laundry room. Don’t worry, I’ll get it. – Oh shoot, it’s Wednesday. I have to take, I forgot tennis. I’m so forgetful! – Yeah, me too. (suspenseful music) (clicking) (sighs) (news theme music) – Olive, how was piano this
week? – Folks, thank you for sticking
with us. We are now hearing that even if you delete your
local search history, it will still be available
somewhere else. Meaning, in all likelihood,
it will be released. Sorry, Parm. – That’s gonna be really bad. – It’s fine. (suspenseful music) – I must get ahead of this one,
end quote. Making our new president the
second one to be sworn in, in the last
hour. Now, if you are just joining us, we are trying to
understand how the exposure of our search histories will
effect us. Joining us is Victor Sussman, he is an expert in cyber
terrorism from MIT, thank you so much for being
here. – Gosh, thanks for having me
Parm. Basically, the long and short of
this is, well, this is the worst thing
that could ever happen. – Wow, really? – [Victor] Really. What was your last Google
search? – What are you guys drinking? – Just juice. Hey, your dad and I think
we have a pretty good idea. – Your mom’s the brains here. All credits to her. – If everyone’s search
history is out there, then we should all
agree not to look at it. – Yes, as a family we shouldn’t
invade each other’s privacy. – Why? – Olive. Nothing good can come of looking
at it. It’s silly, really. – Well are you hiding something? – No, are you? – No. – Well I know I’m not, and I don’t think anyone in this
house is, and that’s the point. We should all just love
and respect each other. – Folks, for the first time in
US history, in just under two hours, we have seen five presidents
resign from office. This is– – Sorry to cut you off, Parm, but the moment of truth is here. It’s happening in five, four, three, two, one, now. (suspenseful music) – Well, it seems like
nothing’s happening here, so. – No Parm, we are getting
word that the website is live. – Look, this is gonna take
a long time to figure out. Who can figure out what? No, it looks like it’s
incredibly intuitive, actually. I can just type in your
name, Parm Daniels, and your whole search history
comes up in this really impressively
organized database. It’s amazing. – [Parm] Please. – Wait, Parm, what are frisbee
boys? – Gimme that. Dammit. (yelling) – That’s my personal property,
Parm. (suspenseful music) – Okay, this is happening. All tablets and phones into the
tool box. – No matter what happens out
there, we’re going to weather
this storm as a family. (suspenseful music) (gunshot) (sirens) – So, how’s– (gunshots) (screaming) – Is that Mrs. Talbot? – Yeah. – Yeah, it was. (sirens) – Where are you going? – To get more water. – Oh, sorry. Have you heard from work? – Yeah, it’s fine. CEO skipped town, so I may have to find something
new. (helicopter whirring) (explosion) – How ’bout some music? Let’s turn on the radio. – The radio? (upbeat music) (radio static) – [Radio] We interrupt this
music to bring you breaking
news out of Washington, where our sixth president in two
hours is currently being impeached. – [President] Ladies and
gentlemen, the press, thank you for coming here. All I did was search for
a human-chimpanzee hybrid. I heard a rumor that they might
exist, and just thought it was weird, and wanted to look it up. I am not currently creating
genetically modified soldiers. Someone just told me about it
one day, and my curiosity got the best of
me! I just wanted to know
what it would look like! – I kinda get where he’s coming
from. – You know, Olive’s been gone
for a while. (suspenseful music) – Olive, no! (suspenseful music) – Wait, let’s think about this. – Right, let’s all just
stay calm and use our heads. – You guys would not be acting
like this if you did not have something to
hide. – Tell us then! – Kids, you’re telling me you’ve
never searched for something weird? – I mean, yeah, but I want to
know. – Wait, wait, no don’t! – Jim, man-up and help me out. – Don’t you touch. No! – Dad, what is ‘is dad bod
cool?’ – It’s nothing! I was joking! – What about ‘centaurs real?’ Are you that dumb? – Josh, please! – You actually thought
the centaurs were real? You’re a sad, stupid man. – I wasn’t sure! Joshie, both halves
are independently real. – That makes no sense! – You wanna do this? – [Josh] Let’s go! – You wanna do this boy? – [Josh] Yeah, let’s go. – You searched for ‘ass yacht.’ What? – Yeah, so? – Ass yacht? – Yeah, ass yacht. – Olive, just come out
sweetheart. None of us have to be
embarrassed or upset about anything we’ve
searched. It’s all normal. – Why did you search ‘where
to get burner phone?’ – Huh? What is that? What is ‘how to abandon car?’ – Okay, well while we’re at it, what is ‘dolphin hair for
girls?’ – I wanna have dolphin hair. – Hey Jim, why are you searching
‘Blake Lively married?’ – Because I just couldn’t
remember, alright? Why are you searching ‘European
boat sex?’ – I guess I couldn’t remember
either. ‘Kirsten Dunst married?’ – I just wanna know who’s
married. – Oh, you’re disgusting. – I’m disgusting? What the heck is ‘poisoning
non-lethal,’ Laura? – Shut up, pervert! You have no idea what it’s like
when nobody appreciates you. – Laura, I– – Hey Joshua, what’s a
‘butt squash fetish?’ – Nothing! You looked up how to be a
dolphin. – Yeah, because I want to be a
dolphin. – Well, that’s impossible. – No, it’s not, you pervert. – Hey! – What does ‘penis warts new’
mean? – Okay, put the racket down. Let me explain. What does ‘new life Barbados’
mean? – Exactly what you think it
does, Jim. – Okay, everyone stop! Stop! Let’s just say the most
questionable thing that we searched for,
so that we can move on? – Fine. – Okay, I’ll go first. Thank you. I searched for ‘how many
ounces in a gallon.’ – But you search that everyday. – Because I just can’t remember! – There it is! – I’m a dolphin! – ‘I’m scared of my son?’ – ‘How to leave family
guilt-free?’ – What’s ‘squash sex boat?’ – ‘Words to Linkin Park
Transformers song?’ – [Everyone] ‘Do hummingbirds
have feet?’ – We all looked for ‘do
hummingbirds have feet?’ (laughter) – I thought they did, but
I just couldn’t remember what they looked like. – Well they, of course, do. – I just wanted to see them. – [Josh] Me too. – Wow. What just happened here, gang? – I think we all got a little
caught up in the frenzy. – Well isn’t that what the
internet’s for? To learn new things? – Yeah, exactly. It’s normal to be curious, and we have to accept that as a
family. Just like I accept you guys. (uplifting piano music) – I cannot wait until
this is all sorted out. – Okay, but ‘Amanda Bynes
married?’ Really, Dad? – Come on. – Guys, I– (laughter) (sirens) (helicopter whirring) (news theme music) (explosion on television) (screaming on television) (explosion) (suspenseful music) – [Voiceover] Victor Sussman
here, with an update on our
search history crisis. I know our viewers are eager to
hear more about the unfolding crisis,
so let me just say this. We know now that hundreds, maybe even thousands of people searched for ‘safe to shave ass
hair.’ Not just me, okay? And when you consider it is,
in fact, that many people, really, and frankly, it’s weird
if you think that I’m weird! So, let’s just keep that in
mind, okay? We will get through this crisis, and in-time, no one will even
remember that I searched for
‘penis stuck in printer,’ and they will stop asking
me questions about it, because, okay, America,
it doesn’t matter whether if it was my penis or
somebody else’s penis, or how that would frankly
even work in the first place. It’s not that big of a deal,
guys! Let’s just stop talking about
it, please. I’m a respected professional, and you are tearing down my
reputation. Everybody searches about their
dick, guys. (suspenseful music) (glass shattering) (ringing)

Author Since: Mar 11, 2019

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