Mixed Up Day (3rd place winner of “Past And Future” BiM contest)
Lainie: Ugh, I hate getting shots. I mean, how bad could rabies be anyway? Doctor: You will die. Lainie: Whhhatever Lainie: Ouch, gosh, why did I try to hold that squirrel? I wouldn’t have if I knew it would BITE me Doctor who sounds like Garfield: Okay, stay here. I’ll be right back. Lainie: Ooh, cool pens. And a stethoscope! Lainie: Hey, I kinda look like a doctor. Nurse (Distant): Doctor!
(Near) Doctor? Oh, um…Doctor.. Doctor….what’s your name? Lainie: Oh, my name is Lainie. Nurse: Oh, Doctor Lainie, we have a patient here who needs a double arm replacement surgery stat. Lainie: Okay…. wait WHAT Lainie: I’m not qualified for this! No, no, no, no stop Lainie: Um.. Lainie: Okay….. I can do this. Lainie: Okay, that’s good enough. Lainie: Yep, good enough. Nurse: What the heck…. Lainie: See, I told you I’m not qualified for this. Nurse : Oh…. So you’re not the surgeon Lainie: No, not at all! Nurse: I see. Well, my bad. Buuuuut you must be the new pharmacist then! You can go take your position at the pharmacy desk. Lainie: Uh, but I’m- Nurse: It’s right over there, see? Go on, hop to, chop chop. Patients can’t wait! Lainie: Oookay.. Nurse: Oh, by the way, you might want to think about prescribing yourself some aspirin – because the way that line is looking right now… you’re gonna need it. Patient: Hey, I’m here for a medication. You see, I’ve been having a sore throat lately and I- Lainie: Oh! I know just the thing for you! Have you heard of zaxosenecilinomous? Patient: Uh..No, I haven’t Lainie: It helps with you sore throat, But there may be some minor side effects such as.. Vomiting, sneezing, eye irritation, migranes, chicken pox, weakness of lungs, brittle bones, toe fungus… Patient: That sounds- Lainie: But wait, there’s more! Diarrhea, kidney failure, heart failure, eternal coma, 99% chance of death, and you may temporarily or permanently paralyzed. Do not take it if you are pregnant, nursing, had a recent surgery, or if you’re still alive. Patient: That sounds worse than the commercials on TV.. Lainie: It really is not. Patient: Thanks, but that doesn’t sound like what I’m going for. Lainie: Just take it! Patient: Uhhhhh okay Lainie: Wellllll, let’s see what app I can get to help me with that doctor-ey stuff Hmm get the knowledge of a doctor in one week. Sounds good to me. I’ll download it This is boring. I’m gonna go walk around. Dude in red shirt: Hey uh, doctor, I got a blood test done a couple weeks ago and I was told I could come get the results today? Lainie: Oh, okay. I heard we keep the info files in the back room. Just follow me and stay right at the door while I look through them. Uh, what’s your name? Dude in red shirt (Jeremy): Jeremy A. Thornburrow Lainie: Alright. I’ll see if I can find your results. Lainie (Quietly): Oooh that app has a quiz. Phone App (quietly): What is rhinopharyngitis Lainie (Loudly): Woah, that’s like a deadly disease. Phone App (Quietly): If a patient is diagnosed with rhinopharyngitis, what should he do? Lainie (Loudly): Oh goodness! They better start saying their goodbyes! Phone App (Quietly): Is rhinopharyngitis curable? Lainie: There is no cure for this. I’ve rarely even heard of it! Jeremy: Hello? Mom? Just wanna tell you I love you. Don’t be sad for me. [You’ve] been a great mom. Tell the others I love them too. Lainie: What in the world are they talking about? Jeremy: And mom, I’d like you to play “Old Town Road” at my funeral. Lainie: Oh, they like that ancient mess. No wonder they’re planning their funeral. That song will kill you. Ah, here it is. Lainie: Alright I found your results.Turns out you are in perfect health Jeremy: What!? I thought you said I had a deadly, untreatable disease! Lainie: Uh what? No. If you feel so bad, you probably just have a common cold or something, because there’s nothing here. Just go home and eat ice cream or something. Lainie: You know, I feel like maybe I’ve done more harm than good today. Lainie: Perfect! I’ve always wanted to time travel. And this can undo everything harmful that I’ve done today. Lainie: Hmm, it says type in desired time, past or future, go there, blah blah blah Well, I started helping about 50 minutes ago. So I’ll type in 50 minutes to the past. Okay, it was just 2:50 so now it should be 2 o’clock exactly Huh, weird, it still says 2:50. I guess it didn’t work. Wait, what year is it? AHH! It’s 2017! I didn’t go 50 minutes into the past, I went 50 years! It’s broken! Gosh.. ughh. Well, let’s see… I was born in 2053, and it’s 2017 now. That makes me… Negative 37?! Except at the time people are watching this, it’s actually 2019 and I’ve had my birthday already, So now I’m negative 34. But this script was written two years ago, so I don’t want to change the dialogue much