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I Forgot Who I am Because of My Past


In the past, if anyone had ever asked
about my childhood, I would have simply said that I had a pretty nice life. Aside from a few hardships at times, I was a lucky girl. My parents had been divorced in the past and I may have been poor, but I had a family who loved me and that was all that mattered. Like any other kids my age, I had a hard time adjusting and relating to others, but I always thought it would be
something that would pass over time. As the days went on, something started to feel different… I found myself always feeling unhappy, as if drowning in my own emotions… It didn’t feel like a regular sadness. It didn’t even feel like depression. I felt…off. My grades started to drop, I began to stop going to school, and I slowly isolated
myself from everyone else. Something was wrong and I had no idea what. As time went on, everything started to get worse and worse. My friends and family
began to reach out to me, asking why I had been
lashing out at everyone so much, they accused me of
having been in a sour mood or pushing everyone away. The problem was… I couldn’t remember ever doing
all the things they spoke of. I tried to tell them that I was fine, but everything continued
to spiral out of control. I found myself in strange places and couldn’t remember how I got there, I would go to school
and people would call out “hey Beatrice!” Even though it wasn’t my name. People I had never met before were suddenly my “friend”. But I couldn’t remember anything. I thought I was losing my mind! Months were passing by and I couldn’t even recall a single thing that
happened during that time. Then, finally, my brother decided to
confront me one night. He was devastated, and I didn’t know why. When I asked what was wrong, he told me that he was realizing
I had a serious problem. He told me that the night before, I had introduced myself to him
as someone entirely different, behaving completely different. And I couldn’t remember any of it… I remember my stay
at the residential facility a few months after this
incident with my brother, and it was here that I finally found out through my
therapist of what was happening to me. I was sent to the residential facility after having been diagnosed with PTSD. But I was confused, when had I been diagnosed? And for what trauma? Nothing that happened in
my life until that point was traumatic? At least not that I could remember. But my brother told a different
story than what I knew. In the times that I
couldn’t remember anything, I wasn’t acting like myself. Sometimes I would act like a small child and call myself a different name, other times I was a cold
and bitter young man who didn’t even know my brother. But with help from my therapist, my brother, and father, they were able to gather
information to make a diagnosis. I was diagnosed with
Dissociative Identity Disorder or MPD as it used to be called. The reason that I acted
as if I was someone else was because of the alternate personalities (or alters) that come with having the disorder. Dissociative Identity Disorder is
something that forms in childhood and is thought to be caused
by severe, repeated, trauma before the age of nine. Not only does this disorder cause the alternate
personalities that my family would see, it also causes barriers in
consciousness and memories between the personalities. Even though I couldn’t remember it, and still can’t all these years later, I found out that I was abused throughout my childhood. When I was 3 years old, I went through tortuous
[] abuse for months. I was starved and neglected throughout my childhood. My [] stepfather groomed me, made me do drugs, and led to me miscarrying at a mere age of 11. My mother used to physically abuse me. I also watched my stepdad
almost kill my mom after beating her too. Not only this… when I was admitted to
a mental hospital years earlier to escape the abuse at home, I was taken advantage of and assaulted there too. It made my head spin to learn
everything that had happened. It made me sick… my whole world had just erupted. The hardest part was that
I didn’t remember any of it. Time and time again after my diagnosis, I would search my memory
to remember these things, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t remember anything, no matter how hard I tried. No matter how disturbing, I wanted to remember it. I wanted to know if it was all just fantasy or if it really happened. I struggled immensely to find happiness after learning what was wrong with me. Instead of helping, I felt like going to that facility had made everything worse. Not only did I have to deal
with knowing of this abuse, I had to live with this disorder too. It made me feel like an outcast to know I had
Dissociative Identity Disorder. Anytime I saw it in the media, we were portrayed as being violent, bad, unpredictable, abusers. The mental agony from everything that had happened left me feeling drained and wondering why I even lived anymore. Everything I had known
had changed so fast… my whole life had been turned upside down. But one thing had remained; a family that unconditionally loved me. Some of them rejected me after
finding out what had happened to me. But my father and brother, the people I cherish most, loved me the same. They educated themselves on the disorder and made me feel less ashamed to have it. My brother made sure to be there
for me through the hard times and my dad made sure I was loved no matter what. And as the years went on with
them continuously supporting me, I started to pick myself back up and I learned to live with my disorder as well as find healthy ways
to cope with all the pain. My brother helped make me, and the many “alters”
who lives within me, feel like we could be ourselves. Each and every one of us, no matter how different. I can honestly say
that I am now happier, living a peaceful life where I’ve learned to cope with my disorder as well as find the good in it. I’ve come to terms with my memory issues and that I’ll never remember all those
things that happened in the past. I believe that it’s for the better, so now I can live my life
without remembering all the pain… I can now move on from the past and create a new chapter in my life.

Author Since: Mar 11, 2019

  1. Mmm….. so how she created this video….? I liked this video, but i can't understand. How she remembered everithing???😕

  2. um you people are saying people are joking around in this comment section yet i dont see any jokes
    i only see you people how people are making fun of this when theres only 2 or 3 jokes

  3. me: mom..i have some bad news…
    mom: what is it?
    me: …i got an A+ instead of A++
    mom: WHAT!! YOUR GROUNDED FOR A YEAR!!!

  4. I never smile at school and barley at home and I would push everyone away and it’s just gotten worse

  5. #1 where the heck was your father when all that was happening to you? #2 It is absolutley possible for the disorder to go away. its not irreversible. It might be impossible to remember trauma from being so young but you're body remembers trauma the pain, the smells the sounds, and in most cases the alters remember Of course who would want to really face that, people can't even face themselves normally. Im glad you have support ♡

  6. Ya know for years I thought I had split personalities to.. but those are gone now but I recently got diagnosed with Aspergers.. which I can see that I am but other things still don’t make sense.. and it’s very hard to understand what is wrong with me.. and I would mimic things on tv and move around and use the same expressions as them! I really seriously that that Aspergers wasn’t the only thing that was wrong with me.. and that I’m not really like other people with Aspergers.. I mean I know social queues.. sorta.. and I act like an NT (person that doesn’t have autism or Aspergers) and act like I’m normal.. I’ve been going back to my old habits and going on social media’s and wasting away my life away.. my obsessions are like coping mechanisms but then they are unhealthy so I need to get obsessed with something else.. which I use to exercise but after having a burnout I don’t know if I can obsess over it anymore..

  7. This girl was pregnant at 11?! What the hell! What human would do that to such a young girl, I hope karma was brutal to a man like that!

  8. did anyone hear that she miscarried at 11 WHAT THE ********* so she was raped and she was forced to do drugs and when did she have her period to have A KID well miscarry im starting to not belive in these stories if they are real i think some stories this channel makes is a lil fake

  9. This story is so sad, I have had verbal abuse my whole life because I am socially different and mentally unstable amongst learning difficulties. I was taken away from my father at aged 13 because he got sent to prison. Sometimes I wanted to crawl and hid away as I felt so depressed and still do .I have had to deal with this a lot. Thanks for sharing your story you are so u believably brave. Much love to you. I just want you to know that you are strong and can get through this

  10. Something similar happened to someone I love but she was sex trafficked as a little girl for years. 🙁

  11. I am in love with this channel its just so relaxing and calm to listen to youre just so in the story🥰❤️

  12. You know, it’s crazy. There are some things that happen to me and I just don’t remember it. Some of my family members can’t believe I don’t remember some of the traumatic things that has happened to me. I believe it a coping mechanism. It’s a real thing. I just don’t remember… they would explain in detail what happened to me and I just don’t remember it no matter how I try. I don’t have a alternative personality disorder.

  13. I used to be obsessed with DID because of the movie Split. I studied so much on this disorder and one day I want to meet someone with this disorder. I feel so bad for people with this disorder.

  14. Her past is almost the same as mine at the age of 7 I was also sexually assaulted I don't remember most of it and the parts I do are horrifible but because the memories r so blurry I'm not as affected

  15. I'm so sorry this happened to you! My prayers are with you and I hope your life continues to improve! Never give up hope, especially when you have your family and friends to support you!

    P.S. To everyone who is joking around and making stupid comments about her grade and other crud, GO DO IT SOMEWHERE ELSE! She's pouring her heart and soul about her trauma and you guys think it's okay to just joke around about it?! What is wrong with you people?!

  16. I'm so so sorry for you. Listen. All of your personalities in you seem beautiful. Don't listen to the news cause they only focus on dirty laundry. And one more thing… Stay who you are cause as soon as that changes you slip into darkness.

  17. She was assualted at the facility that was supposed to take care of her?!!!! What the fuck is wrong with people, how do predators justify any of this. All these people need to be shot.

  18. 3%joking about the video
    2% being serious about the video
    94% Commenting about the grade
    1% making a random commemt

  19. I also have D.I.D. I forget everything,even what a person said just now. Everyone asks me why I lash out at people. But I don't remember anything.l have 4 personalities(Martin, Asuna,Nancy and Kiara)

  20. my uncle has the same thing. he dragged my sister up the stairs by her hair, and he doesnt remember it, nor the other harmful things he does to his family.

  21. Similar things happened to my mum but with her dad should couldn’t remember until she was in the thirty’s and as soon as she did she Andy my dad moved as all to a country on the other side of the world to him and got a restraining order to stop him from ever coming near or talking to any of us ever.

    My mums the best..

  22. I’m crying, I feel like my life has many things in common with the story, I’m 17 now and I had been though almost the same but instead me and my siblings were beaten by my dads wife and I had to take care of my siblings instead of them, when I was a kid my dad used to beat my mom really badly in front of me, two of my siblings has serious diagnoses because of what my dad did, but now we got help and moved out. A while ago I started to feel like I don’t remember my past and act weirdly like I have different personalities and I didn’t know what was wrong so I started going to the psychologist maybe I have like her diagnoses.

  23. people still amaze me at how disgusting and cruel they can be. she was a little girl, sent to a hospital to get better and had to endure the SAME TRAUMA she was trying to recover from. my jaw dropped at that. it's awful what she had to go through but it's such an inspiration of how many things humans can go through and still come out as a survivor and manage to remain happy after all the emotional trauma. Props to her dad and brother for researching her disorder and trying to help her with it. It's stories like these where i wish i knew the people so i could give them a big hug (if they wanted to).

  24. This is so sad and to think a mother will allow that to happen to her own child and unfortunately her father had to clean up the mess. Giving a 3 year old drugs? Miscarriage at 11? Her mom and step dad should be given torture and the death penalty. So much for pro life. Nobody cares about the children after they're born. Somebody could have seen what was going on. You can't tell me this was going on an nobody outside of the home knew. Somebody would have suspected something.

  25. At first I thought it was a memory loss story…nope. Some ppl should never be allowed to have kids or be near them. At 3 yrs old…really? What sick perverted evil spawn of hatred type of “person” would do that to a 3yr old?! 🤬

    And the mom didn’t even protect her child from that devil she married 🤬

  26. The bright side…It’s never a dull moment with you and someone gets a whole bunch of friends wrapped up in one 🙃

  27. God abandoned us all. How can He let these things happen to someone? There are monsters disguised as people… No one protected her…

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