(gentle music) – [Finlay] I was in a
relationship with a partner of mine that was almost double my age. A very attractive man and
just had these incredible adventurous scenarios
that we’d participate in you know, sexually with multiple partners and I wanted to be a
part of that community. And it’s only now in hindsight that I can actually see that you can pursue that without the use of drugs, or
pursue that with limitations. You know, and understanding
to stand up for yourself. But it’s hard to negotiate
that at the age of 19. But the thing was, you know,
about a year and a half into our relationship we’re
living together and we made the realisation
that we hadn’t really had sex without drugs and
that we then identified that, okay, it’s time
that we come up with ways to try and break that
habit, break the cycle. And, you know, maybe use
once in every six months and that’s when we truly
understood that we had a problem. I mean after we’d identified
that, it took us another six months of playing every
other weekend on drugs to actually re-visit that. We had a few scenarios where
you could classify that as a rock-bottom, like
seeing someone getting beaten close to death because
of a psychotic episode. Others, you know, our whole
house being flipped upside down because there was voices in
the walls and this is while six, maybe eight, on an average, men are just fucking in the rooms. This is maybe three years into my drug use as an intravenous drug user. I actually looked back to my eighteenth birthday
and I was just like where- how quickly I’ve changed. I’d turned up to a
friend’s birthday party. The party turned very quickly
into a intervention for me where they just wanted to point
out to me that I’d changed so much from the person that they had known ever since I was 15. At first all I could think
was they don’t really understand me, they don’t get it. They don’t get what moderated use is. You know, I’m a functioning
member of society that’s using, going to work, and
it took about a full year before I actually decided, no, this is it, this is the person I don’t want to be. And that’s when actually
the battle truly started. I had to go through my
phone and delete all of my contacts, you know, and basically start from scratch removing all my online profiles, websites like BBRT are hot zones for triggers and what not. All those had to be taken away. I exposed myself to going
to Narcotics Anonymous and it was to the point of exhaustion. When I was an intravenous drug user I thought that that was
one of the pre-requisites of being a sexually adventurous man. The intimacy and connection
due to the influence of drugs was simply not
the case afterwards. Ultimately it led to, you know, after a multitude of failures, failures being using drugs again, I would then go, I’m not
having sex for 12 months and this was my first
year where I actually started seeing results
from trying to be sober. Probably the biggest
thing that’s helped me maintain my sobriety though,
is like being brutally honest. Being brutally honest about
my usage back in the day and that I still struggle
with, you know, triggers and that is how I kinda
re-kindled connection with people because it was that vulnerability
that led to the climax of physical activities,
like sexual activities with that person without having to explore you know, being triggered, or what not.

Author Since: Mar 11, 2019

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